I Curse Thee Public Bathrooms

It is an understatement to say that I am a germaphobe.  I don’t have antibacterial hand sanitizer strapped to my hip or anything (mostly because high school microbiology taught me the dangers of overusing antibacterial agents).  But, I constantly wash my hands with soap, won’t touch a subway pole with my bare hand, and immediately wash clothes I wear on an airplane.  Public restrooms are basically my hell.  Over the past few days, I had the joy of using several public restrooms and was reminded of why I hate them so much.

Gentleman, if discussions of ladies’ restrooms makes you squeamish, go to the next paragraph.  My pet peeve number one with public rest rooms: pee on the seat.  I’m going to be blunt about it – it’s disgusting.  Ladies, I appreciate being concerned about germs and therefore choosing to squat over the toilet seat.  But, if you’re going to pop a squat and as a result pee all over the seat, wipe the seat.  By trying to protect your own bum, you’ve now exposed everyone else to your nasty germs.  I have to go into ten different stalls before I can find one without sprinkles on the seat.  Or, here is a novel idea: use the seat protectors (or toilet paper – see below) provided by most bathrooms and then you don’t have to squat.  Whatever you choose to do, stop leaving your pee behind for me to find; it makes me nauseous and then I write whiny blog posts about it.

My second public bathroom pet peeve: automatic flush toilets.  Isn’t it convenient how these toilets flush every time you put the toilet seat guard down, so then the toilet seat guard gets sucked in, and you have to start all over again?  I eventually give up and just put toilet paper on the seat.  Even worse, the toilets almost always start flushing while you’re still sitting on them, forcing you to jump up so as to not get hit with any of that disgusting, germy water.  The other day, I encountered a toilet that flushed literally every five seconds.  I think I screamed every expletive you could imagine at that porcelain nightmare.  It’s great that we don’t have to touch any germ-laden handles to flush, but I don’t think the answer is to have possessed toilets.  Why can’t some one just invent a toilet with a foot flush?  People can just step on a pedal or button when they’re done and avoid touching anything with their hands.  Let’s face it, we’re already stepping on the dirty ground with our shoes – get them dirty.

I’m seriously considering going into public bathroom remodeling.  I’ll install foot flushes and electric sensors that shock people who pee on seats.  It’ll be amazing.